I feel like America. I have so many relationships abroad that I tend to care more about than the problems here at home. That really bothers me and quite frankly, I have no idea how to stop or change this.

Going away for a week made me miss too much. Really, I have no clue at all as to what's going on. I mean, I know essentially, but I feel like a stranger to it all. Reading stuff on a xanga or seeing it on myspace or something like that just isn't the same as seeing the person or talking to them on the telephone. (I am not singling anyone out here, by the way.) It probably does not help that I never see people here, some due to circumstances I cannot control (like Byron marching Madison Scouts, whom I may get to see on Sunday). Maybe this is a contributing factor to why I take part in the long-distance relationships that I at least have some control over.

Now, having let this sit for two hours, I feel I have more to say, but I do not know how to say it. It'll come out eventually.

Nine teenagers in Chicago from three different states hanging out is an amazing thing.

I love my friends to death. Now only to love myself that much. I think I am getting there slowly.

I am a disobedient fellow, thinking about it. I know I have never been real obedient, but you know, I should start. I never really dug the Christian lifestyle because it was always presented to me all wrong. Yes, I live a life of service, but I am still an individual. I use my talents to further work. I don't have to do what I cannot do; I don't have to be like everyone else. Maybe this is why I am so screwed up right now. I am going to try and relive my life like I should be, I think.

Thinking again, the Lord said "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I want to say this won't work for me because I hate myself, which I can still believe, or I can look for the alternative. The alternative is this: Look at what I do. I really do take care of myself. I've stayed away from drugs, alcohol, and sex. Of course it's been hard, but I cared enough to do that. I care enough to keep myself out of real trouble and I care enough to further my studies in the arts.

I'm not such a bad person after all. I jsut have lots of room for improvement.

Daydreams

are sometimes very fruitful. I wish I lived in one.

Just a Touch
by me.

Through the door of this diner lies
a place where time slows to a tortise crawl,
where the tick-tock of the snail clock
becomes the sum of boredom in your life.
Slumped on a stool for the public
to cast a disapproving eye, I spied
a mind rendered as bored as mine,
lulled to the numb, the dull of this setting.
She sat three stools down, she touched
her half-eaten burger; a look of disgust
like the one she used to destroy boys
every Valentine's Day back in high school
becoming a recurring theme on her face.
When her gaze locked with mine,
my composure snapped like a dead twig;
the atmosphere grew suddenly thick
with a tropical rainstorm of sweat brewing,
growing to the point of my self-evacuaton.
In my path to safety she lied so unkowingly,
sitting on that stool like a bold red stop sign
in an intersection I had to blow through.
She turned just slighty as I hurried towards
the exit that held my stare, she turned enough
to spark a rush from the touch of our hands,
an overwhelming rush I never felt before.
Her eyes followed her hand, then looked at mine
and sorry was all she said as she returned
to mulling about her burger plate again bored
and I took off toward the exit, trembling.
Even today I still tell myself, "It was just a touch."

I sat down in row 3D
and was lucky enough
to catch the window seat
to give me a show
for what I paid for the fair,
instead of the weary, blank-faced stares.

I could look down
on the barren sights
and see snow cover
the tops of the business signs,
they all made
soft light for the darkest
night.

I stepped off in another state
to meet you at your place
with a cigarette and the heat that it gave,
cold light for a colder
night.

And if my heart gets broken,
I hope you'd understand
I'd do it all again just to be your friend.

-Suburbanite, Soft Light

[insert creativity here]

I am currently going on my own self-help purging with the help of a couple good friends. I am trying to be not so down on me and more up on life. I'm trying not to be another stupid boy like I have been in the past. I am trying to be a better person for my friends so I don't hurt them.

Thanks for your help, you wonderful people who have stuck by me in stupidity.

I think I'm beautiful and haven't realised it yet.